True story. Instead, write your shopping list now: coconut oil, cocoa, honey and vanilla.
Yes, it IS that easy. It’s also dairy, soy, gluten and nut free (if you make the boring option). I love you too. You’re welcome.
Take equal parts of the first three and mix. Add about a tsp of vanilla extract to that. You want your oil to be liquid (zapping in your microwave will work a treat), and warming the honey helps too. For simplicity’s sake, I used a cup of each. Bang, whizz, slop, freeze, SCOFF.
OFFICIAL NEVER BUY CHOCOLATE AGAIN RECIPE:
take 1 cup coconut oil (liquified),
1 cup honey (warmed) and
1 cup cocoa.
Whizz about in your processor/blender/thermie/whisk,
add your scraping of vanilla flavour/tsp of extract (or try something crazy like chilli/peppermint/orange) and
pour into a tray lined with baking paper.
Stick in the freezer for a few hours (overnight is optimal) and then let it live in the refrigerator, as coconut oil DOES have a low melting temp.
That’s your basic chocolate. Done. You can even feel a little bit virtuous eating it, because cocoa is a great way to pick up magnesium and coconut oil is a whole fat that’s nourishing and easily metabolised.
Hang on a red hot second… Why does mine look like that? (all lumpy, etc) Mostly because I chucked a bunch of nuts in there (about a cup of walnuts and a cup of brazil nuts, but you could use whatever takes your fancy). This has a couple extra health benefits; my favourite is that it makes the chocolate last longer